I'm happy again

Hey yall

I have not updated in quite awhile because i've been sooooo busy but i've finally got a few moments. i'm currently in macon and at an ffa convention and awaiting the clock to reach 5:30 i reckon we will go and eat before our first session umm fun but yea w.e i'm jus blah right now cuz i dont get to see daniel :( yep i've finally found somebody that i can be myself around and who will accept me for me and wont expect me to do things for them and wont push me and its sorta i dk its really good cuz i'm tired of having to be somebody i'm not for ppl i'm tired of changing myself so others will accept me i would not say i'm fake i'm jus uptight and wont let my true self come through. he is great and always make me laugh his stories never get old and i feel he actually cares so yea it great.

I'm currently in the process of getting a 2nd job i'm going to prolly go to burger king if i work for 20 hours a work at 6.75 a hour (which is wat he wants to pay me ) i should have enough for a decent truck which is fun in sun :) but yea i think i'm going to sign out of here there is nothing else that is all that new so i'll ttyl byes

love always

me

Dont judge by wat you read here its actually sorta personal so its like hard for me to say btw i aint suicidial or anything else :)

Hey i'm going to make this sound as good as possible but i'm really getting irritated here and i'm going to post this on everything i can find jus bc i want ppl to read it bc this is getting on my nerves. OH and please dont take this the wrong way. I love my life in fact i would not give up a darn thing to get a new one. As hard as it is i love it and ya know wat else i aint even complaining that its hard i'm complaining about the people that constantly bitch and complain that theirs is so tough and how mine is so good thats why i'm complaining. so lets see wat u think after you read this.......

Ok i've been disturbed a lot lately by the about of lazy people popping up all over the place in fact i believe its a disease bc i'm showing signs of having it. BTW that will be fixed after tonite. something else that disturbs me are the following phrases directed of course towards me. these are things i've been hearing for well forever. things like (and i quote) "Your life is just so easy i wish i could be you" "I'm too stupid to do this i wish i was as smart as you" "I give up this is to hard, you dont understand" or jus period "You dont understand wat i'm going through" ok first off i'm going to try to not sound conceited. but thanks guys i reall appreciate the fact some of you look up to me thats great really it is and in that respect i'm going to be a good role model at least i think this is being a good role model...... GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUMS AND DO SOMETHING ok now that thats outa my way lets move on.

I really dont see wats so "easy" about my life i really dont so before u guys start rambling off with this you dont understand horse crap why dont u read a little bit farther into the entry. I get up at 7 ever morning (yes even on weekends) then i dont get home till after 9 on any giving day. Sound easy enough??? Grant it would be if i was not taking an honors class and an ap class oh yea but lets not forget the famous Ms. Thompson yep i have her and ya know wat??? I dont even get those 5 extra points added to my grade to help. Ok so yall are like wats the big deal i dont understand alright lets paint the picture for you. those classes all have homework EVERY nite and ya know wat else?? I do have a family and that family loves me bunches so ya know wat i do when i get home??? i've got to clean up after them in the kitchen ya know why??? cuz my father says that i dont do enough at home and that i'm never home. so i need to do something so even the nite i'm up till 2 or 3 in the morning i've still gotta have that kitchen cleaned. so i say self this is a challenge u must overcome so i have. I've made rules set boundaries its all under control now and its fixed. thats something i did on my own and not wit my mommy and daddy holding my hand along the way. But lets run down to the weekly schedule and let yall see wat all i actually do. Mondays, Wednesdays,Fridays i work at the hospital till 6 i work 4-6 every day and ya know when i dont feel like going in i do bc its the responsible thing to do. Then on sundays i work a 10 hour shift ok lets think for a min before adding more on i work 3 days outa the week wake up every day at 7 even on saturday and work 10 hoiurs on sunday that alone will put a toll on ur body let me tell ya i'm worn out every day every second of the day but ya know i still keep pushing, bc ya know on monday's i'm the ass. chief of our explorer post so i gotta go to the fire station at 7-9 and that time varies depending on how long it takes the parents to get there bc i iant leaving the post members unsupervised. i mean seriously come on guys. well on wednesday i jus recently quit going to church but thats ok bc i've always got things going on at school taht need to be done. and then on fridays i use those are my social nights so i'm out wit friends till 12 now remember i'm not comlaining i enjoy my life. however i constantly and on the go i spend a fortune on gas cuz i'm taking my sibs all over the freaking planet and back again then i gotta do all this crap for school it aint even funny despite the fact my english teacher has giving us two projects at once i've got ffa competitions and stuff to deal wit on top of the studying i need to do for my ap exam and for the sat and act that i need to be taking soon for college. I'm constantly stressed (hint my major mood swings) jus simply because i'm currently ranked 50 something in my class which is bad because me being the one wanting to be a vet all her life aint going to be able to do that seeing as how i'm not in the top 20 but thats ok my gpa score is low so i prolly wont get to college bc i'm struggling for money like u  would not believe. No i'm not poor i jus refuse to be under my parents wing for the rest of my life. I will not under any circumstances let my parents pay for anythign except food and the essentials like water and electricity and if they did not wanna pay that i would be cool wit it. Bc i will not let myself fall in a whole of self denial thiking i can support myself when i have not even tried. So now i have to get two jobs bc the one i got now only pays 6.50 hey thats great but do u realize i also pay the bills of my animals and i've got a very sick puppy btw and i also have to pay my cell phone bill (yea i do pay bills for those of you that said i have it easy cuz i dont have any to pay) and remember the gas i have to pay for??? I'm scraping change by the next pay day. So yes i need a second job so i can attempt to save something. But wait the stress dont stop there i come home and my dad is fussing cuz i'm failing classes and i'm doing this and not doing that. so yea i do know wat it feels like to have ppl constantly putting you down and making u feel like crap yea and ya know wat it sucks major but ya know wat else i've found the strength to throw it back down everyones throat and be strong and arise above the challenge bc thats jus wat i do. I want to be that strong person and i want to be the one u come to when you need somebody to listen.  iwant that for myself and i want that for everybody else also. i live in a world of constant pain and suffering but ya know only the best achieve their goals. and ya know wat else? the best are not the ones who had everybody handing things to them and telling them how its going to be ok. Only the strong survive and its in everybody. It aint jus in me or ur neighbor its in everybody. you have the power to succeed and escape the bounders your peers have set for you. All my life i've been told "you cant do it" "its to hard" but ya know wat??? I'll be damned if i ever let any of them ppl be right. bc i know i can do watever the darn well i want all you ppl saying i dont understand i understand good and well wat your going through i know the challenges it may be in different forms but oh yea i feel it every day i feel it when i wake up that morning andi feel it when i lay down. I know wat stress feels like hello i'm almost living on my own except for the lil bit my parents still care for me on. i dont cry to mommy or my teacher when something dont go my way. and it makes me sick to see ppl crying at their feet. its like "omg i've messed up give me a second chance" well sweet heart i got news for ya you only got one life u screw up on it aint nobody going to give a rats butt whether u want a second chance or not u aint going to get it. so make the best of wat u got get wat u want and quit being a pansy and trying to take the easy way out. So u want the a's in ur classes u wanna be smart so do it its going to take work ya know like actually doing the homework assignments and studying a lil here and there. Alright so u wanna get into a good school study ur tail off for the sat and u will. it aint the teachers fault u dont understand its ur own for not finding another way around. Instead of continueing this rant in the fashion is flowing i'm going to give a biblical outlook.

"God is our father, he is watching us learn to live our lives in ways that will satisfy us all and no matter how much pain and suffering we have to endure we have to endure it on our own or we will forever we caught in the darkness" meaning God is like our human father when we were jus learning to walk and we were wobbling too and fro and we jus did not seem to be able to balance ourselves on our own two feet but instead of jus carrying us around our father had to watch us endure the frustration of falling down and getting back up and no matter how much it hurts him to watch us struggle he does it cuz he loves us. You have to understand god our father our creator loves us and will never everleave us when we need him the most the foot prints in the sand story is my favorite and it means a lot to me its one of the stories i was told when i to felt abandoned i felt hopeless i wanted to die i wanted all the pain to go away. I thought i was to dumb i thought i was to fat i thought i was this and i thought i was that. i did not accept myself and i hated the world i fel the world did it to me. i felt my family left me i felt my friends slipping through my fingers i felt there was no more reason to live. yes guys i was in a state of depression but ya know wat??? i found Christ and ya know wat else i realized i aint to dumb jus did not learn the importance of working and i was not to fat i jus was judging myself and you cant do that i was perfect and i was going to throw it all away i was perfect in my own special way and God made me this way for a reason and he gave me the gift of life something that many ppl never get to witness bc they dont discover it. it hurts me to knwo that some if not all (bc i've realized its hard to talk) have not realized their gift yet and they are still fighting the evil inside them and fighting wit themselves instead of opening their eyes. Guy life's not easy but it defiantly aint so hard u gotta give it back. Jus think. You have the power its all inside u not anyone else. u dont need anyone. Its all u.........

I hate houw life is confusing. I hate how i long for something i obiviously will never have againl I want it soooo bad ppl ask wat i want and i tell them then its like bad. cuz i never  get it. and i find it in *somebody* but like now its different now its lacking. but i see the person who introduced me to it in the first place and for once he treated me right i mean its been a freaking year and he is finally able to look at me and smile like he used to i really miss it. Ya know its the smile that hey yea i'm happy and i love giving him that smile but its a shame i screwed it up. I've screwed up a lot lately and its sad but i guess its ok. in some weird way. i know thel ord wont leave me but its really hard sometimes and sometimes i jus wanna give up but i knwo its not worth that much effort it'll all work out in the long run i promise. i'm tired of ppls fake crap i'm going to care about u tonite but then when i ask wats wrong and u tell me then i'm going to say "ok" and forget about it and thats not wat i want i want to feel like somebody loves me and cares for me like i used to i feel like i'm slipping back down into my lil hole and i dont like that cuz bad things happen when i'm like that and well i aint happy so thats terrible :) ok i've written enough ttyl i gots homework byes

Hey,

This time i think i really really screwed up and i hate myself for it. I reckon in the long run its wat had to be done but i wish i could jus do wat i wanted to do for oncei nstead of wat my friends tell me to do. It really sucks. I told somebody that i was confused and i technically did not know wat i wanted but deep down i knew exactly wat i did. I listened to a friend jus bc i figured she knew wat would be the best. And this certain person kept telling me to do exactly wat i wanted but then again i did not know if i was ready for the risks so i listened to my friend. I jus told these two ppl that i'd prefer to be friends bc i was confused and did not wanna hurt either one But here is the catch it hurt me and i think i really hurt the one person i want to be wit so its really screwed up. I've never felt the way i do when i'm around this one person and now i tell him that not but like 2 hours ago and all he has to say is ok i understand he is mad and prolly over it by now thinking its a lost cause thats fine but honestly it takes everything i have to open up to somebody and tell them not only did i screw up but i do like them and want nothing more than to be more than friends and all he said was ok and its like u can give me some imput like tell me how stupid i am or something not jus tell me ok. its sorta like blowing me off even though i'm a bit late that does not mean u can do that its mean to me i try my hardest and i jus dont know wat else i can do. I really enjoy *him* holding me and would really appreciate a lil acknowledgement for (sp) expressing myself but w/e i dont know exactly wat to put but if *he* wants to know exactly wat i'm feeling he can ask but if he never ask then i guess i'll never tell bc i dont want to feel like a complete idiot again and it be like akward its like yea i like u uh ok its like wat???? but anyways i'm dont ranting. about that i'm going to tell my new years resolutions.

1.) i'm going to forever get rid of the fat that haunts my muscles i've gotten huge and i dont like at all and those of u who dont think so u dont see me in my mirror when i've got like nothing on or when i lift my pants up uh no my stomach is going bye bye and i dont care wat goes wit it. I'm going to lift weights 3 days a week and do cardio 3 days out of the week. so yea thats going to be cool and fun cuz austin is going to help me out.

2.) I'm going to quit being a lazy butt and get my grades up and i'm going to study and i'm going to pass all my classes wit a's this semester i mean honestly this is getting ridiculous.

3.) i'm going to eat right now more late nite snacks i'm going to eat 3 meals a day and thats final.

4.) my moutain dew drinking is going to be done at a bare minimum. and i'm really working on it but i'm like not doing so hot on that topic it keeps me calm and bc of wat happend up there ^^^^^ i aint doing too good.

5.) i'm going to learn to do wat i want to do and quit trying to appease every body bc yet again i learned not to listen to ppl and its screwing my life up when i do bc they dont really know wat i want.

6.) i'm going to learn its ok to be scared and that its ok to take risks that dont harm me.

7.) I'm going to start preparing to liveo n my  own and i'm going to like buy me a truck cuz i want one really bad :)

ok thats all i can think of right now so i reckon i'll write more now

love always

me